Cracked and Breaking
by nodumbbitch
Summary: What if that night, Logan had never shown up? What if the two of them had had the night all to themselves? What if everything had been different?


**Cracked and Breaking.**  
a Gilmore Girls oneshot by skazumbi the loveli

_This ficlet takes place during episode 6.08, "Let Me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringing Out." Essentially, we all know that Rory and Jess were going to have dinner and catch up, but Logan appeared out of the blue. So, let's take Mr. Moneybags out of the picture..._

"I have half a mind, it's cracked and breaking; it's recommended as great for tasting. Spit in the face of the tried and true one: these are things that I'm gonna do." --Rasputina, "Things I'm Gonna Do"

* * *

The door creaked open, and Rory caught Jess in midswing. She smiled - it was so nice to see him again, under friendly terms. Despite all the baggage from all the years, it felt good to see him again. "What are you doing?" she asked, trying to force her incessant giggles back. They came out in an awkward, girlish grin. 

"I wasn't sure if your grandmother was home or not," Jess replied. He saw the smile on her face, and it was infectious. He'd missed her oh-so-much, even though he hadn't realized it until the other night. He'd been in her room and he hadn't thought about it until now. He'd seen the way her life was ending up. He knew something was immensely wrong, and for some reason, ever since he left her bedroom, he'd felt like he was the only one who could change it.

After the two had decided where to go (Rory'd picked out a great little pizza shop), they kind of stood there for a few seconds, staring at their shoes. Rory wasn't sure if she was the only one who felt that strange, empty pause. "Uhm, shall we then?" Rory asked, sounding meeker than she meant to. Jess nodded, and Rory led him to her car.

The two were greeted by darkened Hartford roads and a little classic Clash. "Nice car," he said, taking a look around the interior of the vehicle. Rory smiled shyly and just muttered, "Graduation present." She'd hoped they might be able to go the entire evening without eluding, mentioning, remembering, or talking about their previous relationship. No talk about graduation, spontaneous begging sessions, or parties. She looked out of the corner of her eye, and she could tell that Jess was feeling the same way. "So, I started reading your book," Rory said to break the silence. This comment brought a little bit of a flush to Jess's cheeks. Rory'd never seen Jess blush before. "It's really good. I'm so proud of you, Jess. Really."

"You've said that multiple times already," he said, grinning at her, basking in the glow of admiration. "But thank you. I'm glad you like it."

"Oh, I love it!" Rory started going off about her favourite parts, her favourite characters, and Jess just sat there, nodding his head and soaking it all in. When she was done, she added, just for good measure, "I really, really, really knew you could pull something like this off. I'm..."

"So proud?" Jess asked, mockingly. Rory rolled her eyes. Those immensely blue eyes. Jess didn't know how someone could have eyes that blue. They pulled into a parking space in front of a little storefront lit by Christmas lights and glowing gnomes. The sign above the door read "Ye Olde Magick Palace." Jess couldn't help but snort at the fairy tale theme the restaurant had. In fact, on the sign, there was a crude painting of Rapunzel in her tower. "This place is great!"

"Just wait until you try the pizza," Rory said, laughing along with Jess. There was another moment, though, right before they got out of the car. This one was different. There was some kind of electricity flowing through the car. Jess turned and his eyes locked in with Rory's. So blue. She quickly averted them by simply opening the door and stepping onto the cold, ebony pavement. Jess mimicked her. "Milady," he said, stretching out his arm to her like some fairy tale prince. Rory giggled quietly as he led her into the "palace."

Soon, they were seated, had ordered, and were waiting. Jess took a sip of his coke out of an ornate goblet donning a carved dragon with garnet eyes. The way he did it made Rory smile at him playfully, trying to figure out that emotion in his fiery eyes. "So, Philadelphia? How is it? Wait... I already asked this the other night, sorry."

"We've exhausted all the unawkward topics in one night? I feel so used, Miss Gilmore." Rory smiled at him over the top of her cup (golden with rhinestone trim). "Just to get it out of the way..."

"I don't want to talk about my mother," Rory said flatly. Suddenly, her good mood was boiling down to something darker, and Jess, being the observer that he was, quickly recovered, hoping that maybe it was a lighter subject.

"I was going to ask about men, but..." Rory blushed slightly and took another drink. "So, got a boy hanging around?"

"Actually, yes. His name's Logan, and he goes... went to school with me. He's cool. Sometimes he can be a bigot..." Rory realized how casual her tone was and gave herself a mental slap to the face. For some reason, she felt like she was just discussing another rich kid with Jess again. She just felt like slamming Logan all of a sudden. "He's a good boyfriend." She found herself starting to defend him, despite the fact that Jess was saying nothing, only listening. It wasn't until Rory felt her face getting heated that she realized Jess was staring at her with a cocked head and raised eyebrow. "Sorry. We've just been... well, he's been away and complaining like a baby."

"Right," Jess said flatly. He took a sip and rolled over Rory's conversation with herself in his head. Clearly Rory didn't notice how much she seemed to hate this guy. Was he the reason she wasn't going to Yale anymore? "How about you?" Rory asked.

"Huh?" Rory kind of looked at him expectantly. "Oh, I haven't had time to date really. Plus, most girls go for guys that can shower regularly. Emphasis on can." This brought Rory's mood back up a little bit. Jess decided to push a little bit. If it went over the line, he wouldn't try again, but he had to see her reaction. "I'm sure Logan's not that type at all."

"Oh he's really not. He thinks he's a badass, but it's only because he's rich and can spend all his daddy's money." Rory stopped herself. Her face was turning into a beat. She wasn't thinking. Jess decided not to push it anymore. "Well, I think our food is here." A waitress in a tavern wench costume came up with a steaming hot pizza, and plopped it down on the table in front of Rory and Jess. "Sir, would you like to give your lovely lady a crimson rose?" she asked with a mock British accent. Clearly this waitress was having far too much fun, or was far too drunk. "We have them on sale for a romantic atmosphere."

"Oh, we're not a couple," Jess said. He noted the fact that he didn't say it hurriedly, and that he paused shortly before declining. "Just... old friends," Rory chirped in, as if she was trying to convince herself. "Just really old friends," she muttered to herself when the waitress turned her back. The next few minutes held only chewing noises and little conversation. Jess wanted to remark at how little Rory's appetite had changed since they last saw each other, but he thought maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. They started talking about Lane's band, and everybody and everything else in Stars Hollow that they could. The conversation stayed light and fluffy. The night continued on this path until they reached the car again.

Rory stepped in and began to turn the ignition, but Jess put his hand on hers. "Rory..." he started, but she quickly turned her head. Something was roiling up her throat and she was about to burst, so Jess had to act quickly. "What are you doing, Rory? Really? You're with some guy you seem to hate, not love like you claim. You're not talking to Lorelai - you two are best friends! You need to talk. I can see you aching to talk to her again. I can see how much you need her. I can see how much you need to get out of your grandparents house. The D.A.R. for Chrissakes, Rory! The D.A.R! You hate that kind of stuff. You don't belong there. You belong out in the world, doing something that's worth doing. And... Yale! Why did you drop out of Yale? That has been your goal for so long. Why?" He was met by silence.

Then the silence broke. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I did everything wrong." She was starting to sob, and all Jess could do was look on pathetically. "I miss my mom, Jess. I miss her so much. And I want to talk to her, but I just can't. I can't. And it's killing me." She looked over at Jess, with his eyes showing so much love and caring. "And I miss Yale. I loved learning, I loved books, I loved class, I loved my teachers. I loved the smell of the place. I don't know why I left." Rory just sat there half-crying. Jess wanted to hug her, but he was afraid of what was happening already. After a few quiet moments, breached only by the occasional group of twentysomethings striding in and out of Ye Olde Magick Palace, Rory muttered something so quietly that Jess wasn't sure if it was her or someone outside. She shook her head and bit her lip and then looked over at him. He eyes were puffy and wet and turning the red of Jess's goblet dragon. "Where are you staying? Luke's?"

"Uhm, no. I'm in a really dingy apartment complex set aside for touring underground bands who can't find places to stay. Essentially, you can't tell if the floor is wood or made of vomit and cat shit."

"I'll drive you. Just... guide me," she murmured.

The apartment complex was just as grungy as Jess had said. Rory could tell even from the outside. She turned the ignition off and the two of them sat there, staring out the front of the car. They sat like that for what seemed to be hours. "Can I come in?" Rory finally asked feebly, sniffing away the last of her tears. "I can't go back to my grandmother's. Not tonight."

"Sure," Jess said weakly, trying to figure out what he could do. "Just... don't ask what the smell is." Rory smiled slightly at him, and the two got out of the car. She looks so fragile, Jess thought to himself. She grasped his hand as they went into the building, up three flights of creaking stairs, over passed out drunken bodies, and into a small room filled only by a couch a full-sized bed, and a stack of beer bottles - none of which were quite empty. Jess shooed a kitten off of the bed and led Rory to it. She sat down, sinking slightly into the second-hand mattress. Jess sat on the threadbare, lumpy mauve couch. The two kind of stared at the ground.

"I missed you," Rory said. She was so quiet that it was like a mouse was speaking. "I've been drinking a lot. Me and Logan - we just kind of drink and try to escape life. I... I stole a boat with him. I've never stolen a boat with anybody else. My god, that was so stupid of me." She continued to stare at her hands. Jess peered at her. Rory wasn't a party girl. She wasn't a drinker. She definitely wasn't a criminal. This Logan guy was bad news. "God, I'm so tired. I just need to sleep..." Rory lay back on the uncomfortable bed and pulled her legs into her body. Jess watched her, filled with some emotion he couldn't comprehend. After a good fifteen minutes, Jess was sure she'd fallen asleep. He stood up quietly and started making his way to the door, but Rory said something to him. Something that scared him more than he knew. "Hold me?" she asked. She sounded so lost, like one of the thousand cats roaming around the house. And what scared Jess even more was his feet dragging across the dusty floor to the bed. What scared him was the way he smoothed Rory's hair. What scared him was the way he'd lay down beside her and wrap his arms around her tiny, fragile stomach. What scared him was the way he kissed her neck lightly and nestled his head in the crook of her shoulder. What scared him was the way the contours of her back and her bent legs fit perfectly into his body. That's what scared him the most.

Rory's breath felt light and warm against his head. "Guide me," was what she had said earlier. He knew that he had carried a torch for her all these years - that's why he couldn't get another girl. He knew what he had to do. "Rory," he whispered. She mewed slightly. "Rory, I can't..."

"Shh..." she said. She ran her fingers lightly over his arms, and the little hairs all bristled and stood on end. "I'm the one who can't. Shouldn't." She moved herself so that she was facing Jess. She brushed loose hairs from his eyes, and stared into him, longingly. "But I need you to guide me. Please. I need you." The two just stared at each other. The world around them was fading away. Jess didn't stop to think, and he just brushed his lips against hers briefly. The rush was perfect; the tenderness of her mouth was just the way he'd remembered. But he couldn't, not now.

"Please," Rory muttered again, catching his lips in hers, full force. He gave in, letting his hands explore her like some treasure he'd lost and found after fifty long years. She needed him to guide her. Just for tonight. He'd have to go back to Philly soon, and she'd have to go back to her mom and Yale. But they'd see each other again, they'd love each other forever. And that night would be his story. And hers. A story that never had to be written down.

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So, uhm, it took a week to upload this cause Fanfic was malfunctioning. I'm finding myself to be more of a oneshot writer than a full story writer because I just can't stick to a fullstory schedule. And I apologize to all for that. But I enjoyed writing this one. It was fun. If only the gorram site wasn't malfunctioning all 26 times I tried to upload it!  
Read. Review. Renjoy. Rerenjoy.

Afternote: Just to clarify, the "punkhouse" as I like to call it is based on a real place. Story: When my brother went on his first tour with his first band way back two years ago, they stayed in a place very much like the one I described. He has told me many stories of the insanely unidentifiable smells emanting from that house, and the abundance of cats. However, everyone there was straighedge, so I took a few liberties with the whole drinking aspect. Just letting you know because I got an e-mail saying "There's no place in the world like that. Its so unrealistic." and so... yeah. It is realistic, actually.


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